Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I’m startled. I think, “Who is that old man?” I’m growing old way too fast.
There
are people who sell you pills they say will keep you young. Other
people sell you fancy exercise machines. The pitcher on the table there
holds regular, ordinary tap water—some people tell us to drink eight
glasses a day to stay healthy. Have you ever imagine just taking a sip
from some clear sweet spring water with magical properties? (drink) A fountain
of youth? I have and I did. You could say Dr. Joan Fennel made me drink it, but she didn’t make me—I loved her, I’d do anything for her.
I
bet you’ve heard rumors of a village in eastern Russia where the
peasants seem to live extraordinarily long lives. Actually there are
four other locations known for this phenomenon—(point to countries on globe) one
in Africa, one in China, Argentina and Peru. Each location is a remote
village similar to neighboring villages except (Remember grade school
teachers warning us, “There’s always an exception.”?) except these
peasants live longer—native people who have no access to modern
medicine, who are no different from other people in these countries,
except they live longer. Scientists of various disciplines have visited
these simple folk and have found nothing unusual, nothing unusual in
their diet, nothing unusual in their habits. What they did find is that
these villagers have few written records, no official birth
certificates, so claims of longevity have been written off as fibs,
exaggerations.
Sounds like a reasonable explanation doesn’t it?
Joan Fennel did not think so.
Why,
she asked, are only these five villages prone to exaggeration? These
peasants did not take out a full-page ad announcing their claim to fame.
The information got out by word of mouth. Perhaps a traveler passing
through hears an old peasant speak of an event that the traveler knows
happened more than a century ago. The traveler of course does not
believe the old peasant is over a hundred years old, but repeats this
colorful story while regaling audiences of dangerous adventures in
strange lands, and so the story is repeated and repeated and repeated. (drink)
Now,
I have a riddle for you. You come to a fork in the road in the land of
two tribes. One tribe tells the truth, the other tells lies. A member of
each tribe stands at the fork in the road, but you don’t know by
looking who tells the truth and who lies. You are permitted to ask only
one question of one native to learn which road leads to town and a hot
shower. What question do you ask? There is one logical question, the
right question reveals your way home.
See,
Joan was critical of the scientists who assumed the Russian peasants
were liars. In the search for the fountain of youth, it’s the scientists
who are lost, who are trying to find the right path. Joan said those
scientists did not ask the right question.
We
often talked about this when we were in high school. Joan dreamed of
finding the fountain of youth. Joan believed that long life and wisdom
were inseparable. I, on the other hand, believed if we could all live,
say, two hundred years, we would be pretty much as we are today—some two
hundred year old saints and some two hundred year old tyrants and
bigots. The argument would go round and round since we were just talking
hypothetically.
After
college, Joan was awarded the Unified Field Theorist Award and a
research grant from the Albert Einstein Fellowship. Joan took a year
sabbatical and traveled to that village in eastern Russia. No longer
hypothetical, she collected soil and water samples, tissue samples from
people, animals, and plants. I didn’t get to go with her, but I now know
that Joan, my best friend, she asked the right question. I—Joaquin
Alguer—I am living proof. My story is the biggest story in this century,
maybe for all time.
Who
remembers my opening words? Is your memory going? Are you getting old?
Remember, I said, “Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I think ‘Who is
that old man?’” Did you guess then what I’m going to tell you tonight?
Did you have a sudden intuition? Who among you has wished they could
live forever? How about a hundred years? How about two hundred? Three
hundred? Who here wants a drink from the fountain of youth? I know I do.
(drink)
I
was a major in the United States Army—dishonorably discharged. I killed
an innocent person. I had to kill someone. Don’t worry, I don’t kill
people on a regular basis. In all my years in the military, I never had
to kill anyone, except—except once. The FBI could charge me, try me, and
put me in jail for the rest of my life, but they won’t.
If
you ask the FBI about me, they will say “Oh, yes, Joaquin Alguer.
People have complained about him. He goes from town to town telling some
story about the fountain of youth.” I know this because I’ve called and
complained about myself just to see what they say about me. They imply
I’m one taco shy of a combination plate. They say I’m a quack peddling
snake oil, pulling your leg, pushing your button.
I
collect buttons. See that big glass jar? It has buttons in it. I don’t
know how many. A lot. There’s a slot in the lid, like a coin bank. The
buttons come from the shirts and jackets and dresses and coats of
people, like yourself who come to hear me speak. See the scissors there
next to the jar? That’s so you don’t have to cut the button threads with
your teeth. I see that some of you are wondering why you would cut a
button from a your clothing to give to me. That’s a good question. At
the end of my story, many of you will want to give me a button. Some of you will.
Joan
was the first woman scientist to be honored by the Albert Einstein
Fellowship. She was good copy for science journals. When she returned
from Russia, several articles were written about her research. I’ve kept
every article written about Joan.
I want to read a portion of one published at that time:
A hypothetical X marks the fountain of youth:
Imaginative legend or immaculate logic?
Medieval
folklore claimed that a magical spring restored youth to anyone who
bathed in or drank from its waters. Some people believed this spring was
the Water of Life found in the Garden of Eden. Others believed this
spring could be found in the Far East.
When
Juan Ponce de Leon anchored his ship among islands in the Caribbean, he
thought he had found the Far East. Island natives spoke of a fountain
of youth on what is now Bimini Island. So the intrepid explorer set out
to find Bimini. He landed at Palm Beach and thought Florida was Bimini,
but he did not find the fountain, only flowers. He headed south and
thought the Yucatan was Bimini, but he did not find the fountain there
either. Dr. Joan Fennel says that Ponce de Leon did not ask the right
question.
Joan
didn’t mind the light tone and humor in the articles about her
research. She needed the publicity to catch the attention of whoever
would finance the lab portion of her research. NASA picked up the ball
and established the De Leon Project.
I
was surprised when I visited Joan at the NASA research facility. Her
lab was small. The room was crowded with refrigerators storing the
samples collected in Russia. Joan was the only person there. I had
expected a busy lab with many assistants (pretend to look in a microscope) all looking for truth under microscopes.
Just
like she would do when we were students in school when I’d ask her to
explain a math problem to me, Joan had me sit down. She explained that
NASA spends hundreds of millions of dollars each year on cryogenics,
trying to find a way to slow down the aging process so humans can
survive interplanetary space flights. She said NASA didn’t believe she
would find the fountain of youth, but they could risk a few hundred
thousand dollars on her gamble. If Joan was right, they could sell those
cryogenic freezers to Ben and Jerry for their ice cream.
At
NASA, a computer program analyzed the samples that Joan had collected.
Joan found what she called a trace element that existed in that Russian
village in higher concentrations than in Hood River or over in Omaha, or
anywhere else except, except maybe those other four villages where
peasants also live long lives.
Joan
concocted a clear odorless and tasteless potion and tested it on lab
rats. She could lead a rat to the fountain of youth and she could make
that rat drink, but the rat still died after the usual process of aging.
Joan
asked the right question. She found why those peasants live long lives,
but she had no proof, and in the early 1980s when Congress cut NASA’s
budget, NASA scrapped the De Leon Project. She boxed up all the samples,
folded all the track-fed computer printouts, and shipped everything to a
small house in our hometown that her father had given her.
Did
I tell you that I’ve known Joan since we were just kids? We lived in
the same town, on the same street. I watched her family move into the
vacant house on our block I remember this first time I saw Joan. She was
dressed in a purple hooded-sweatshirt; wisps of her light blonde hair
stuck out from the hood and shone like flames in the sunlight. Most
remarkable, a small white mouse was peeking out from her collar. She fed
the mouse little pills of bread dough which she made by rolling a piece
of Wonder Bread. She told me the pills were magic so the mouse would
live forever and would always be her pet. She called the mouse, Mako.
She told me, “That’s a kind of shark.”
“I know that,” I said, but I really didn’t. She was smart even then.
We
became friends and played together. I think I fell in love with Joan
the day she fell out of the buckeye tree. She must have fallen three
meters, landed on her face, and broke her nose. The cartilage didn’t
heal well and her nose favored one cheek more and more as she grew up,
so when she looked at you her nose offered a quarter profile like a
Picasso portrait.
She’s
a pretty woman, beautiful I think, but some photographs are not very
flattering. I remember, a science journalist wanted to write a follow up
report on the De Leon Project, but this was when Joan was frustrated
with those rats, and she refused the interview. The journalist waited
outside the research facility for Joan to leave, and took a picture just
as she slipped on the wet sidewalk. Her hair is flying wildly about her
head; her arms appear to be reaching for the photographer’s neck; her
wide eyes and skewed nose add a sense of demented danger. The reporter
never got an interview, but printed a short biography of Joan and ran
that photo with a caption that said something like: ‘Mad Joan of NASA’s
De Leon Project. Would you want to live forever with this woman?’
The
journalist was making a joke, but I wanted to live forever with her.
Joan didn’t have time for our relationship, still, I remained in love
with her. I miss her every day. (remember the lake)
After
leaving NASA, Joan received a grant to test if safe chemicals become
dangerous when mixed with other chemicals in our landfills, or in our
rivers, or in our air.
You
may have seen Joan on television during this time. There was a lawsuit
against MD Corporation. MD sold a diet pill that they advertised as a
safe to take at anytime, and pregnant women were taking these pills.
Many of these women had children born with some sort of brain defects.
Joan’s research found an ingredient in the diet pill that combined in
the blood stream with a common air pollutant. The two chemicals made a
serum similar to snake venom that attacks the central nervous system,
too little to harm the adult, more than enough to hurt the unborn. MD
argued that more research was needed. I remember how angry Joan was. She
said that MD treated these injured children as assumable risks—just the
cost of doing business; she said that no child is an assumable risk.
About
a year later, Joan visited me. I opened the door and she breezed by
saying, “The villagers never claimed their animals lived long.”
You
see, on her own time, Joan had continued working on the De Leon
Project. And she was convinced her potion only worked on humans, acting
as some sort of genetic trigger. Then, then she offered me the chance to
live forever, or at least a very long time. She had already taken the
potion herself, so when she handed me a dose, I drank it. (drink) I hoped eventually we would be the lovers I had imagined we should be—young with time on our side, proof of her theory.
But
Joan said that we were not a broad enough sample. She wanted my help
with her experiment. See, my job with the Army at that time was to
produce MREs—“Meals Ready to Eat”—and Joan wanted me to inject her
tasteless, odorless potion into the Army rations. And I did it, because I
loved her. I arranged to have this particular batch of MREs shipped to
the South Pole for the twenty-eight people at the research station
there. This was a perfect test for her potion. She had the roster of the
staff there that winter and could track them through out their long
lives.
One
morning in 1991, during my routine annual physical, the base physician
shook his head and said I appeared to be remarkably healthy for a sixty
year old. Sixty! I was forty-one years old! I said that I had noticed
new wrinkles around my eyes and mouth, but that I felt strong and
healthy. He said my skin was losing its elasticity, one of the early
signs of aging. He was excited; my symptoms did not match other rare
aging phenomena that usually strike when a person is young. He scheduled
me for more tests the next week.
As
soon as I left the office, I phoned Joan and learned she had not been
in the office for two months. That night I phoned her parents, but they
had also not heard from Joan. I asked her father, if he had checked that
small house where Joan stays when she visits. Later he called to say
that she had been there, but he didn’t know when; all the boxes of
research material from the De Leon Project were missing. A note on the
kitchen table said she was doing research and didn’t know when she’d be
back. At the bottom of the note was my name, the words ‘red rock,’ and
the number, 27. I had no idea what that meant.
The
next week I went back to the doctor for those extra tests. I told the
doctor about the clear liquid that I had taken. He didn’t think anything
I drank years ago could have had this effect. Then a man walked in the
office, flashed a badge, and said he was with the FBI. He wanted to talk
to Joan. I told him I didn’t where she was.
Now
I figured Joan was in trouble, and so was I. There were 28 people at
the South Pole in 1985 who would also be quickly growing old. How long
would it take the FBI to put Joan and me and MREs together? I became
obsessed with Joan’s note. I’d lie awake at night thinking, red rock,
rock red, two r’s, r-squared, pi-r-squared. I was trying to think like a
scientist. I’d think, 27 is 3 x 9 which is 3-cubed, which means—nothing
to me.
Then
one night I remembered how, in school, Joan helped me memorize the
fifty states. Montana is the 27th state in an alphabetical list. I got
out of bed and found Red Rock, Montana, in my road atlas. Joan was
telling me I could find her in Red Rock, and she didn’t want me to tell
anyone, why else use our code? By evening I was driving to Montana.
Red
Rock is at the end of the paved road at the end of a mountain valley in
the northwest corner of that big state, just a short collection of
wooden buildings under tall pines. I stopped at the Nugget Bar. It was
about mid-morning, and half a dozen people were holding down tables with
their elbows. I showed the bartender a photo of Joan from Christmas,
1988, the last time we spent the holidays with her parents. The
bartender looked harder at me than at the photo. So I explained that she
had left me a note to come to Red Rock but didn’t leave an address.
“Well, not a very recent picture,” he said, “but by the nose, I’d say that’s the woman bought the old Willits cabin.”
Then,
leaving the bar to someone he trusted, the bartender drove his green
pickup along a dirt road and I followed in my car. At the edge of a
mountain meadow, we stopped in front of small cabin.
I
knocked on the door and I heard Joan call out, “Who is it?” I was so
relieved to hear her voice. She opened the door, gave me a hug, and
pulled me inside. (pause for them to catch up)
In
the front room, chairs and card tables were stacked with papers, a lot
of that wide track-fed computer paper. Joan offered me lunch and some
tea, and led me through the paper maze to the kitchen at the back of the
cabin.
She
was still beautiful, but I noticed deep wrinkles around her eyes, and
her light blonde hair was now mostly white. I was happy to be there with
her, but I wanted to know why we were quickly growing old instead of
quietly staying young. So I told her about my physical exam and the FBI
agent. She listened, holding my hand; then she asked if I told anyone
where I was going. She was relieved when I said I hadn’t.
Well,
we talked that whole afternoon, and I learned why we were quickly
growing old. A NASA technician wrote the computer program for Joan’s lab
analysis, and it had worked flawlessly. But after studying the program
language, Joan found a mistake—a minus sign in the wrong place, and
because of this one programming glitch, all the ratios were upside down.
The trace element Joan thought was in high concentration at the Russian
village actually was scarce.
I
am proof that Joan discovered a catalyst which speeds up aging, hastens
old age, and so my death, her death, the 28 people from the South
Pole’s death, and—and your death. We all drink from this fountain of
age—all of us, except the peasants in those five villages where this
trace element is rare. You see, what we believe is the natural process
of aging is not at all natural—what we think is old age is just the
symptoms of this naturally occurring, accumulative poison.
I was stunned. Imagine, Joan had found the secret of long life, and it is killing us, fast.
As
the shadows grew long and the light outside dimmed, so did our
conversation. Eventually we were just sitting in the dark house with
moon and starlight shining through the curtains. I was staring at the
glow of the pilot light in the old gas stove, when bright headlights
flooded the front room.
“Don’t say a thing,” Joan whispered.
I
recalled then how she had stopped talking earlier in the afternoon to
listen to a car drive by the cabin, but this time a car had stopped and
Joan was clearly frightened, but something more, something about her was
wildly intense.
As
she stood I saw her pull a box from her pants pocket, a small black box
with a thin flexible antenna that waved around. I heard the metallic
click of a toggle switch. A knock at the door startled me.
Joan answered, “Yes?” She didn’t move to the door.
A male voice asked, “Dr. Joan Fennel?”
Joan
now walked away from the door, holding the black box in one hand and
waving me to retreat with her other hand as she asked, “Who is it?”
“Dr. Fennel, we are from the FBI. We would like to ask you some questions.”
“Okay,
just a minute. You have identification? I’ll need to see your
identification?” As she spoke she grabbed a purse from the kitchen
counter, opened the kitchen’s back door, and pushed me through it,
whispering “Run, run!”
I
ran. I ran straight away from the cabin towards the woods. I looked
back and saw Joan running behind me with one hand up in the air still
holding that box, and behind Joan, I saw the inside of the cabin erupt
in flames. Glass windows exploded, and the ball of fire behind me lit up
the forest, helping me to pick a path. I could hear Joan running behind
me, her feet, her breathing.
You’re probably wondering where we running to—that’s the first thing I asked Joan after I caught my breath.
“Washington, DC,” she said.
I said I thought that was a long way to run.
Joan
was seeking the guidance and cover of a high-ranking political friend. I
was surprised, she usually regarded politicians as proof of artificial
intelligence, but this politician had been a scientist, and she wanted
his help.
How
we managed to elude the FBI is a story for another time,
except—(There’s always an exception isn’t there?)—I have to tell you
that we drove to Washington, and we traveled as lovers. Joan finally had
time for our relationship, at least in a hunted, hurried sort of way.
We got each other wedding bands—didn’t have an official ceremony, but we
stood at the shore of a mountain lake at sunset, and we vowed to stay
together for the rest of our lives. This was the best of times. We even
stopped at a carnival in one Midwest town—we ate hot-dogs, cotton candy,
and rode the Ferris wheel.
And
this was the worst of times. I discovered a large sutured scar here
below her sternum. A hard lump of something was just below the skin
there. Joan, this woman I loved, was wired to explode—not like a
terrorist, I don’t mean she intended to destroy some federal building.
She had implanted a small device in her own body that would rip open her
heart, her lungs, belly. She refused to tell me why she was wired, just
as she refused to tell me why she burned the cabin, until we were
having a picnic lunch at the Reflection Pool in front of the Washington
Monument.
We
wore hats, and we were dressed in clothing we had bought at a thrift in
Nebraska. We looked like any retired couple visiting the Nation’s
capitol. Joan even had me take up smoking as part of our disguise, but
while eating ham and cheese sandwiches she asked me to dump the
cigarettes I hadn’t yet smoked. She pulled a black box from her purse
and, bending the small aerial, put this inside the empty cigarette pack.
She closed the top and handed it to me.
“I’m
scared,” she said. “I’m afraid the FBI will realize this old woman is
me, and I won’t have a chance to use the transmitter.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked
“If
the FBI takes me,” she said, “I won’t be able to stay silent. They have
drugs to make a person talk, particularly someone who wants to tell the
world.”
“You
should tell the world! Joan, you’ve found the secret of long life. You
are going to be famous, and rich! Just think of all the good things you
can do with that money!”
She shook her head. “I can’t tell anyone, ever.”
All
her life, this had been Joan’s dream. Explorers, alchemists, scientists
have sought the fountain of youth. You and I have tried various ways to
stay young. Today the wealthy can have their head or their whole body
frozen in hopes of one day being brought back to life. Joan knew the
secret to long life—as sure as I’m dying fast.
But
that afternoon, Joan said that she had to bury it, walk away, and say
nothing. She asked me to name one social problem that would be helped
if people lived longer.
“There are too many people already,” she said. “We have crowded so many people on Earth,” (spins globe) “we are desperate, our politics are disastrous, our technologies are dangerous, and our children’s future is at risk.”
I
objected, I argued, and finally I used her own words against her,
“Joan, you yourself said that long life and wisdom are inseparable.”
She
stared at the ducks. “If we gain long life but lose what makes life
worth living,” she said, “where is the wisdom in that?” Then she leaned
her head on my shoulder and pointed at the sky, and she asked the same
question that she had asked once a day since the cabin burned, “Joaquin,
do you see another Earth up there somewhere to replace this one we
spoil?”
“No.”
“Too bad,” she said and then, then she recited a Mother Goose rhyme, which you will recognize, except Joan added two lines. (without emphasis) “There
was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she
didn’t know what to do. She gave them some broth without any bread. She
whipped them all soundly and put them to bed. That old woman in the shoe
doesn’t have a clue. We live on the Earth and we know what to do.”
For
a while we just sat there watching the ducks swim on the water. I
remember chucking at a rather fat duck paddling frantically across the
water trying to take off.
That’s
when Joan nuzzled up to my ear and said, “I wish we could just fly
away.” Before I could respond, she added, “Maybe if we wore enough blue,
we could disappear into the sky.”
I told her I would follow her anywhere.
Where
I followed her—was to the Capitol Building. We walked arm in arm. Joan
adopted a shuffling and bent posture to mimic an old woman with stiff
joints. She was scared of being recognized by the FBI. (mimic walk)
As
we entered what Joan liked to call the ‘great-hall-of-greed,’ I caused
the metal detector to ring. I emptied my pockets into a tray, coins,
keys, cigarette lighter, and that cigarette pack. I went through the
detector clean and was handed the tray on the other side—just as Joan
had hoped.
My
heart jumped when a voice behind me said, “Wait!” A young guard crossed
his arms. “You can’t smoke while inside the Capitol.”
I said, “I didn’t intend to.”
We
entered a meeting hall. Joan had relied on her friend and he had come
through; the hall was crowded with politicians and reporters. As her
friend approached, Joan gave me a hug and a kiss and told me she loved
me. At the podium, she began to tell us how she felt being the person to
discover the fountain of youth. She told us about the pet mouse she fed
magic pills so it would live forever. You could feel the anticipation;
that crowd wanted to hear Joan tell them the secret of long life.
Suddenly
the doors to the meeting hall burst open, and FBI agents rushed in with
guns drawn. At the podium, Joan’s friend demanded the agents leave;
people applauded, but the FBI began confiscating the cameras of anyone
trying to capture this Kodak moment.
How
can I tell you the anxiety I felt? This was what Joan feared. It was
happening, happening fast. Two agents stood at each side of Joan. I
reached for the black box. (pull from pocket)
‘Oh Joan,’ I thought, ‘when am I going to see you again?’
Over the heads of the crowd I saw a third agent begin to handcuff her. I remember the anger in her face, and the fear.
“Now!”
There
was no doubt she was speaking to me, only to me. I thought, ‘has it
come to this? How can I?’ Seconds ticked by. I thought, ‘maybe I won’t
have to!’ Yet, even as hope grew, I flicked the toggle switch.
The agents began walking Joan to a side door, she resisted. I saw Joan close her eyes and raise her head again.
“Joaquin!”
This
plea was the voice of her soul. Joan’s body suddenly went limp. Agents
eased her to the floor; and when I couldn’t see her anymore, I pushed
the button. I heard a wet pop like a champagne cork, people screaming,
and Joan, Joan falling in little pieces.
I
looked down, seeking solitude, and saw a small mother of pearl button
on the carpet. It was from the thrift store dress Joan wore that day. (point) It’s there, at the bottom of that jar.
All
of us in that meeting room were detained and debriefed by government
agents. Joan’s deposition was considered Top Secret, a national security
threat. They talked to everyone, saving me until last. They took the
black box and listened to my story. They even hypnotized me then and
there to see if I learned something during the last days I spent with
Joan, but I couldn’t tell them anything more than I‘ve told you. Then
they let me go—which surprised me. I had just killed someone and they
were letting me go.
Well,
it wasn’t long before I understood why they let me go. To convict me of
murder they would have to produce evidence, and call as witnesses those
people in the meeting hall that day who heard Joan speak. No, by simply
ignoring me, I become a traveling sideshow, a snake-oil peddler
speaking to small crowds in small towns like yours, where people cut a
button from their clothes as a token of esteem, not for me, for Joan.
She asked the right question, and she found the right answer.
If
she had been allowed to speak at the Capital that afternoon, Joan would
have explained why she had to bury the secret of long life. She would
have said there are too many people. She would have asked the
politicians to name one social problem made better by adding more
people. No child deserves a world where long life is a social problem.
Joan so believed in her responsibility to our human family that she was
willing to die, and she was able to convince me so that I was willing to
push the button. And I am here, in the last years of my life, to push
your button.
That
day by the Reflection Pool, Joan had her science, her facts, and her
logic, but that nursery rhyme, that is the argument I remember.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread.
She whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.
That old woman in the shoe doesn’t have a clue.
We live on the Earth, and we know what to do.
End
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